Happy Birthday To Me

Ya, it's my birthday. Yay me!
15 seems so old!!! All my family could talk about yesterday at me and my cousin's joint birthday party - my cousin's birthday is the 9th - was learning permits ;)
But Smokey's appointment with the pediatric vet today put a damper on my birthday happiness.

Smokey's appointment was at ten o'clock in the morning, and Mom tells me - I was at school :( - that after the fourth-five minute evaluation, the pediatrist' diagnosis was pretty much the same; Smokey's legs were "crooked as hell" and his hoof angles were all wrong. His prognosis, although not unexpected, was an unpleasant blow.
Point blank, Smokey will never be the horse I need. The vet said it will be another two months or so of continuous exercise to build up the muscle that Smokey lost during the fourteen-odd weeks of stall rest he endured the first year he lived with us. He will never be a jumper. If his heart's in it, he may find a job as a trail trails mount. If we get lucky, he may make in in indoor trail competition, or even western pleasure...but that's a stretch. If nothing else, Smokey can be a trail horse. A really expensive trail horse.
But the fact of the matter is, if I ever want to compete seriously - and I do - ... I'm going to need another horse.

We all knew this fact was pretty much inevitable, but suddenly being faced with the process of owning yet another horse - Horse #3 - was unsettling. I think we've all been trying so hard to get Smokey to be better...and now, we've suddenly had to accept the fact that he is not the horse we thought he was, or needed him to be.
Not to say he isn't a fantastic horse! Because he is, no doubt about it. His head and his heart are in everything he does...the problems arise because he is physically unable to do the work we're asking of him. Today, when I rode him in my riding lesson, it broke my heart to feel Smokey give me everything he had - which wasn't much, after the morning's exam - and it still not be quite enough. Smokey would duck his head and barrel around the arena, like a football player hellbent on making the winning touchdown. No matter how sternly I told Smokey to stop, he blankely refused to give up.
It was hard, trying to convince Smokey that he needed to stop trying, before he hurt himself. Even when I sat back in the saddle and pulled on the reins, Smokey just kept pressing on. Today was solid proof of Smokey's undying willingness to please; I believe if I had asked him to run, just to take off, he would have galloped around that arena until he dropped to the ground, exhausted...because I asked. It's as if he feels he needs to give me something back, make up for all the times he couldn't be exactly what I needed...as if he had something to prove.
Sure, Smokey may not be exactly what I need in the showring...but as a companion, a friend...I could not ask for anything more. Smokey has given me so much, it's foolish to think he could give any more. But today, it was as if he was trying to show me just how much he wanted to be the horse I needed, and how hard he was willing to fight. As my riding instructor put it...

"If Smokey were in pain...if he pinned his ears back and just said 'No, I can't do this anymore'...then I wouldn't have her out there, riding him just now. But it's like Smokey doesn't know he's hurt. He just pricks his ears and says 'Great, what's my job?' and just does it. It's like he doesn't know there's anything wrong with him at all."

Smokey's attempts to prove himself today made it even harder to ride Dusty yesterday afternoon.
Dusty is a sweet little skewbald pinto mare who came to my instructor's barn to be cleaned up, photographed and filmed for the owners who were trying to sell her. At the time, my instructor thought Dusty was simply a western mare. However, in the middle of my riding lesson, Dusty's owners called telling my instructor that Dusty did just about everything...western pleasure, hunt seat, trail, halter, reining... She could jump and had potential in dressage. The owners figured she'd make an excellent High School Equestrian Team horse for a youth rider.
...Was it fate?
Either way, my instructor offered me the chance to test ride her right then and there. It was a little much for my mother to handle, mentally - she was still processing the fact that she had to buy another horse, let alone that that horse may be standing in front of her - but eventually we got Dusty tacked up, lunged, and then we had my instructor ride her for us first, so we could see her in action.
She's a very pretty mover. He has a nice western job, but extends out into a hunt seat trot when asked. Her canter is beautiful, too, but she was a tad on the lazy side; maybe it was the ninety degree heat ;) Either way, she tried to "buck" when my instructor asked her to canter; really, she just picked her butt up in the air a little bit and hopped with her hind legs :D When I got on her, Dusty was a perfect angel; she was a blast to ride. She's very talented, and obviously knows her stuff.
After my mini test ride was over, me, my mom and my riding instructor got to talking about Horse #3 and how we were going to arrange keeping the new horse - our subdivision only allows 2 horses on the property; we're maxed out - and keeping Smokey and Horse #3 fit and having to trade in the 2-horse trailer for a 3-horse so we could haul all three horses at once... As we all know, horse ownership is not just about paying for the horse. Now, suddenly we're going to have to pay for a new horse, new trailer, boarding, three horses worth of hay and grain... Plus Smokey's new medications, which include a gram of bute (horse pain killer) and special joint supplements twice daily. I'm fortunate to have a family who will support this new "adventure" and is willing to pay the fees...but I feel spoiled. Like, do I deserve another horse? So many people would be happy to have just one...why should I have two wonderful horses of my own? I've decided I'm going to have to get myself a summer job or something to help pay these new bills. Something so I don't feel so useless. I saw this kid at school who had a sweatshirt for her sports team that read;

Nothing is deserved
Everything is earned.

I think that's a pretty cool quote, although it can be interprited two ways, in my case.
I didn't deserve to have Smokey go lame...so, did I earn it?
But, at the same time, I don't deserve another horse, so I'm going to have to earn it. Somehow.

Anyway. That's my story. I'll make sure and keep ya'll posted. I'm sure the next few weeks...months...years...will be full of more misadventures for me, Smokey, and, now, Horse #3.
Bring it on.