"It's Not A Side Effect of the Cocaine; I'm Thinking It Must Be Love."

I've been in one of my "if I think about it long enough I could break down in tears" moods lately. And if you know me, there is really only one thing I could cry just thinking about... and that's horse shows.
Lately, I've been living each day awaiting the moment I'll ride through that gate and into the show ring again. Every time I come home from the barn, my mind is abuzz with a million goals and expectations and anticipations and daydreams; a million things I can do to improve and a million "wait around and see"'s. A hundred things I know I can change, and a hundred more I have no control over. The latter group terrify me; but at the same time, help keep me sane and focused.
I think this competitive spirit has been especially strong in me because, after a strange incident in which several of my ribs were put out, I haven't been able to go up to the barn. For the past week, I've been home on doctor's orders, and it's killing me. The timing was unfortunate, too; just when I was really starting to get up to the barn more and more often, and just when I was getting happy with several results I was seeing in both my riding and my horses' performances - boom. Out of the saddle for the past week and a half.

Not having seen Bob in so long is making me anxious; as I always get when I'm away from the barn too long. So, to channel my energies, I went outside to spend time with my other horse, Smokey.
Some of my long-time readers will remember Smokey; I often posted in detail accounts of heartbreaking shortcomings and miraculous victories in our attempts to bring Smokey to full, sound health. However, you may also remember that our end result was less than desirable, with Smokey deemed unsuitable for competition and even pleasure riding. Smokey was retired to pasture at the young age of six, and I was in the market for a new show horse. After that, I acquired Bob - and the rest is history.

These days, Smokey lives at home in our two-acre pasture with his best friend (and my sister's paint horse) Casper. Neither Smokey nor Casper, however, complain of not being worked anymore ;) Smokey spends his days eating, sleeping, rolling, playing, and otherwise making mischief - typical of his character. He's a horse who's never quite grown out of his days as a young colt. To this day, I forget just how old he really is; now age eight, Smokey doesn't act a day older than when we brought him home nearly four years ago.

Smokey is one of the most fascinating horses I've ever had the pleasure of knowing - the chance to own him has been a dream (although at times it seemed more like a nightmare). His spirit and zest for life is something in which I've always admired (if it is possible or logical to admire an animal; I think it is). I've always loved that, no matter what - no matter if he was hurting or scared or confused - Smokey always seemed to have this "okay, if you say so, let's do it" attitude about him. There's a quote I have saved in the back of my mind which describes my horse beautifully... but I can't seem to remember it or find it anywhere. If I do someday, I will post it.
He's a unique spirit, that's for sure. When you approach him, or when he approaches you, it's with a curious - but hesitant - look in his eye; when he sniffs your hand or your shoulder, you can see him assessing who you are, deciding if you can be friends. Even I, whom he's known more than half his life, gets analyzed in this manner - before Smokey licks his lips, a sign that he's thinking; that he remembers who I am. That's another thing that's special about Smokey; for a domesticated animal, he still has an extremely independent air. One moment, I'm holding his head in my arms - the next, he's taking off in bucks and snorts around the pasture, avoiding my grasp. If you approach him with a halter, he takes off prancing, avoiding at all cost the restraint. However, once you catch him, he's like a completely different animal; quiet, compliant, willing. It's as if you literally restrain his spirit but putting a rope around his neck.

Some horses were never meant to be show horses; this I have come to learn and respect. Despite my passion for competition, I respect that not every horse desires to be in the ring, nor should every horse be presented in such a manner. Just like every person has a place in the world, so does every horse - not all are meant or designed to be shown.
...perhaps not every horse in meant to be ridden, either. I've known so many horses in my life who never get ridden, but usually it was because of an ailment, or old age, or retirement.
Maybe some just... shouldn't be. Maybe some are just meant to live in a pasture and, you know... be a horse.

Today, I went outside and spent some time with Smokey; to release my pent-up agitation over not having been at the barn, to avoid my (seemingly irrelevant) English homework, to get out of the house, to get some fresh air. Smokey came up to me and assessed me as always, before allowing me to hug his head and kiss his ear. I grabbed a halter; at first he danced about, but when I placed it on his face, he settled down. I tied him in the barn alleyway and brushed his coat. I picked out his heavy hooves and smoothed his ratted mane. I took him outside and practiced a few basic in-hand maneuvers before unlatching the halter and setting Smokey free. Instead of running off, he stood still and waiting until I came back to him - treats in hand.

Smokey will never be my show horse. I'll never treat Smokey quite the same way I treat Bob. Smokey will never wear gel around his eyes and on his muzzle, to accentuate his striking facial features. He'll never burst through the gates of a stadium arena at full trot - he'll never leave that arena with a garland around his neck. His name will never be featured among a list of champions; his photograph will never be in a magazine.

And that's okay.
Because he's my Smokey.
He's a little bit wild, a little bit reckless; sort of illogical and sometimes a brat.
And I love him for it. I love him, regardless of it. Hell, maybe I love him because of it.

Smokey will always be my first horse.
We've made more memories in the past four-odd years than I can count.
I've watched him grow up, and he's watched me grow, too.
He's always been there for me, when I was crying or laughing or smiling.
We've held each other up when we were hurting; literally and emotionally.
He's let me cry onto his neck and he's let me smother him in kisses.
He's let me stand outside his stall just watching him. He's let me bury my face in his mane and smell the grass and dirt and spirit that he offers.
He's been my partner in crime, and my best little friend.

Basically, he's my boy. And he always will be.

"To Die By Your Side Is Such A Heavenly Way To Die..."

Was just on Amy's blog. This song came up on her page. Just watched (500) Days of Summer for the first time - finally! I'd been wanting to see it forever. I watched it with my best friend a few days ago when I wasn't feeling well. It made me feel better and worse all at the same time. A beautiful movie. With a beautiful soundtrack, obviously. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths. Quoted above.

Speaking of music. I went to an amazing show last Thursday. ...wow, that was almost a week ago. It seems like just yesterday, still.

My favorite venue. Lots of friends! Both in the audience and on stage. One of my favorite bands; three others I've never seen before. Smiles and laughs and passion and worship. Remarkable bands. Great crowd. Music and messages that shook me to my core. A phenomenal night, to say the least.

And photography, of course. I got lots of great photographs (if I do say so myself) and the chance to be able to edit them on PhotoShop for the first time has been a blessing :3 I got PhotoShop Elements 8 for Christmas and this has been my first big project using the program... divine (:

I have to say, my favorite genre to photograph is hardcore bands. If there's screaming and moshing involved, I'm there; but I suppose that's true in any case, whether my camera is with me or not. However, if the opportunity arises, I'd most love to bring my trusty Nikon along - which is mine, officially, as of this past Christmas also (: Along with a new camera bag and all sorts of other goodies. Aha. But I digress.

Hardcore shows may not be the safest place to handle such a valuable piece of camera equipment, especially at a small venue like this. It's always an adventure, trying to find a spot on the stage that offers you the opportunity to take pictures while avoiding the crowd or the band members themselves; last time out, I quite nearly got hit by a guitar head - scary stuff! This time, I tucked myself away in a nice corner between a handrail and the rest of the crowd, and I felt rather safe and secure aha. I panicked a little when the singer spit water all over the crowd... and my camera. But there were only a few water droplets on the display; no damage done :]

I love taking photos of hardcore gigs because of the passion. I've brought the passion in screaming vocals into conversation on this blog before, and it's something I just can't seem to tear myself away from. It's overwhelming in its power and persuasion; the effect of such an innate and raw action is awesome. And I love taking photos of it, because, if I can even capture one tenth of that passion in a photograph... it makes for one stellar shot.





I'm thinking of starting a photo blog. To document these shows and this music and my photography. I'm not sure if I'm going to yet, but it's creation is in the works in the back of my mind.


Both photographs © Jenna Becar, 2009-2010 All Rights Reserved

"She's Only Seventeen..."

/cheap hit at post title

I just realized that my Blogger profile says I'm sixteen.
...I've been seventeen since September '09.

Just goes to show how little I come on here these days...

:(

changing that right now.

"...It's Gonna Be My Year."

Wow. Another year.
I keep saying I'm going to come back to this blog, that I'm going to start posting again more and more. But it seems like I just can't keep that promise. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know how many of you miss me or even notice I'm gone, but I notice. I sort of miss being around here.
Maybe one of my New Year's Resolutions will be to post on here more. I think, once I got back in the habit of it again, I'd realize that maybe I do have a lot to say.

But. For now. I'm going to sit back and look at the year ahead of me. And try to prepare myself the best I can for all the opportunites and adventures in which I'm bound.

keep on living. happy new years.
xoxo

"She Smiled At Me On The Subway..."

I love the way we horse people treat our horses.

We approach them in the comfort of their stalls, walk amidst them in crowded warm up arenas, stroll post them in peaceful barn aisles. We look them in the eye. We smile in their direction. We greet them as a friend, and act as if we expect them to, in turn, tip their hats and offer a salutation; "How do you do?". Of course, in reality, we do not anticipate such a response ... but that doesn't prevent us from initiating the greeting.

... I wish it were so simple for people to approach each other in such a similar, friendly fashion.

"What Is It About A Good Rock Show?"

Wow. I haven't been on this blog in forever. Or any of my blogs, for that matter. I feel bad. I feel like I haven't been keeping anyone updated.

Truth is, there's not much to say.

It's started raining in Washington again. I wake up every morning before the sun rises and often arrive at school before the principal. Playing jazz and concert music for two hours before I start my school day is bliss, despite the early mornings. We're talking about going to Reno for a jazz festival. I might go to Italy this summer. I got invited to a prestigious academic opportunity this summer; explaining such would take up more time than necessary on here. I took the PSAT today; it wasn't so bad. I got to see Bob today, too. It greatly improved a mood which was otherwise .... eh, comme ci, comme ça. I'm learning French. People at the barn are talking schooling shows for the winter. I can't wait to get back in the ring. I've already got an ache in the pit of my stomach, imagining riding at Regionals again ... but I still can't quite grasp my mind around the chance that I'm going to get to ride at Nationals again almost a year from now. I love my Beatles CD's I bought recently. I'm listening to Maxwell's Silver Hammer right now. I have been contemplating my musical preferences lately and trying really hard to get ready for My Chemical Romance's new CD. I can't seem to find the motivation to get excited for an album they're describing as "the dumber, the better". But, at the same time, the raw sound they're going for and the newness of a complete different style is intriguing. I don't know yet. I just finished a bowl of peaches. Sure, they were canned, but they were delicious nonetheless. Right now I'm putting off honors english homework and discovering that the new sweatpants I bought today are super comfy and warm :3

So. I there's a run-down of my existence (: lol

Basically, I'm really loving how my life is going right now. For the most part, I'm extremely content. All's well (: I feel like I've been blessed with a lot of opportunities lately, and I feel like - uncharacteristically of me - I've been taking them all head-on. I'm not backing out of any opportunities these days. It's really a beautiful feeling, this ambition.

Before I go, I want to share with you an ... article? If you will. Written by Steven Smith (pictured; quite largely, I might add :o), Fuse television host and basically an awesome dude ;D He wrote this as a MySpace bulletin and, quite frankly, I thought what he had to saw was remarkable (besides, he's talking about a band I happen to think is amazing). Check it out;

"What is it about a good rock show?
Last night I went to my nth Gaslight Anthem show and as always they delivered.
The biggest change I noticed was the crowd.
Gaslight have gotten popular. Super popular. And I'm way proud of them.
Good music will win out, I've always said, but it's a crap shoot.

I try not to judge, I really do. The thing about the crowd was it got a little fratty. I've noticed the same with Wilco over the past couple of years. And you know what? That's fine. Band's can't choose their audiences, they ask everyone to listen. It's a weird concept. Very capitalist in a way. Money for art.

I absoulutely love the Gaslight Anthem. I have since I first heard them years ago. Do I feel I'm a cooler fan or a better fan than their new fans? I used to - which is rude as balls because I know the school of fans treating bands like girlfriends. You want everyone to know her but not love her like you do. Make sense?

Gaslight are a wonderful example because they are just so damn good the world needs to hear them. I strongly believe it will be a better place. Of course I feel the same way about Strike Anywhere, the Riverboat Gamblers, and Banner Pilot but there's something different about Gaslight. And a slew of other bands.

Is it the X Factor? Is it definable?

John Mayer has a great quote where he says he likes good music no matter what. He doesn't go for genres. Good country is good music, good punk is good music, good hip hop is good music. and so on.

What makes one band more accessible than others?
What is mainstream? Is there a mainstream anymore? I say no.

Enough out of me.
Your turn.
Let's discuss.

Steven"

I thought that was a very thought provoking article. I loved his girlfriend metaphor. So true (:

So. Hopefully I will post more often. ...I know, I keep saying that. But hopefully if I say it enough, I'll start acting on it.
I might hop on over to music.is.life right now and update that. I feel bad for abandoning my "Then & Now" series ... especially since most the bands I've talked about previously on that blog have experienced major changes recently, which should be documented accordingly.
Anyway. Off I go.
Hope you enjoyed this little ramble.

xoxo
keep on living

"It's Been A Hard Day's Night ..."

So. It appears I have survived my first few days as a junior. :o

School's been going pretty great so far. I mean, there's not much to tell ... after only three days in class lol, there isn't much happening. It still sort of feels strange, to sit in a classroom from six thirty in the morning until two in the afternoon ... I have not gotten back into the habit of having so many hours of my life taken up :(

I also haven't gotten back into the habit of running on so little sleep D: Right now it's six thirty in the afternoon, and I'm completely exhausted. I've been awake since five in the morning ... that's what time I get up now, in order to make it in to jazz band on time before school starts. It's a little earlier than what I was used to, but so far it's been fun. I need to seriously work on my trumpet skills again ... but overall, I think I'll enjoy jazz band. And besides, it's sort of pleasant ... waking up early to enjoy two full hours of music before my school day starts; one hour of jazz band followed by my regular wind ensemble class. Excellent. I forgot how beautiful my french horn sounds (:

The weather this week has been very warm ... and as I sit here writing this, I'm hardly able to function from the heat. My house is extremely warm right now and I am currently contemplating something I can do in a part of the house that's cooler than the back room here, where the computer is.

So far, I have been avoiding the heat since coming home from school by listening to The Beatles <3 Caught the last bit of A Hard Day's Night on VH1 :3 While it seems the rest of the world seems to be tuning in to Jay-Z's Madison Square Garden show on Fuse "/ I've also been trying to figure out which of the new remastered Beatles albums I want to order ... I think I want A Hard Day's Night and Abbey Road for sure, but I am still debating on maybe a third. If not, I'll start with those two and go from there (:

I so dearly want to take a nap right now, but resist for fear of messing up my sleep schedule.

And I wish I could say I could sleep in this weekend, but, nope ... I'll be out of town! Not for a horse show this time, surprisingly ... but for an otherwise equine event.

I am attending an equine & canine chiropractic seminar this weekend! x] I am extremely looking forward to it! In case you didn't know, that has become my latest career endeavour, and very very likely the plan I'll stick with lol. It seems that that field of study is finally what I've been looking for; I truly am fascinated by chiropractic, as well as massage and acupuncture treatments - hopefully I can learn more about the latter two in the future (: And the fact that I can focus this study on equines make it even more appealing to me.

So, I'm going to be spending the next two days learning all about animal chiropractic procedures. I can't wait! And feel really lucky that someone my age is able to attend this seminar ... I have a feeling I may be the youngest to show up lol (:

Speaking of my age ... I turned seventeen yesterday xD Happy birthday to me! lol xp I had a great birthday and will probably post more about it soon.

However, I'm off to find somewhere cool to spend the rest of my day and to prepare for my seminar this weekend (: I'll be finished on Sunday afternoon ... just in time to get ready for my first full week of school >.<

Later, everybody!
keep on living xoxo